05May
“What’s wrong?” I asked, and the answer was, “Nothing!” “I know something is wrong.” I pressed, “Why won’t you tell me?” I was convinced that when something bothers us sufficiently for someone else to notice, that we must know what is wrong. Enter an awkward communication moment and some unnecessary tension.
Shortly after the encounter just described, someone asked me if something was bothering me. I said, “No. I don’t think so.” My tentative answer came as the parallels between the conversation described in the last paragraph and the current one dawned on me. I thought, “I obviously appear to be bothered by something. But I don’t know what.” I thought for a bit and was completely surprised to realize that I was indeed feeling “off,” but again, I had no idea why!
That realization gave me a quantum leap forward in communication skills. I thought, remorsefully, about the many times that I had pressured people to explain something of which they were not fully conscious. Now, I teach and try to practice, though imperfectly, the fine art of allowing others time to think through their issues.
When I ask, “Is everything OK?” I try to remember to allow that they may not be at all aware that they are presenting as if something is wrong. I also remind myself that people often need to be allowed time to recognize, organize, and communicate the issues impacting their expressions. It is a simple application of the Golden Rule. (Matthew 7:12)
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